


Toothless

by Vortexsin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Bullying, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Dark Kylo Ren, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Graphic Description, Kidnapping, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Love Triangles, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Sexual Abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, Triplet Ben Solo, Triplet Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:21:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22013290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vortexsin/pseuds/Vortexsin
Summary: You are childhood friends with the Solo Triplets. Kylo is a bully. Matt loves you. You are confused.This will be ongoing and probably get pretty dark.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You, Matt The Radar Technician/You, Matt the Radar Technician/Reader
Comments: 38
Kudos: 207





	1. Toothless Chp.1

The four of you had met only weeks before when your family had started unloading the moving truck at your new home. The three older boys running up to your house excitedly trying to peek inside, their parents walking towards your parents only a few feet behind. Hurrying, they make sure their rambunctious children would not hinder the efforts of the moving men carrying a tattered couch up the wooden steps of the front porch and through the red front door. 

As the adults began introducing themselves you had stood at your mother's side slightly behind her, holding on tight to her pant leg. You peeked around her to look at the three boys in front of them. You were confused to realize they all looked so similar and that they were all the same age.

"These are our boys," The taller man said. He had a nice strong tanned face with light shaggy hair cut around his ears. He gave a small grin as he wrapped his arms around two of them while his wife, a very beautiful woman with long brown braids, sparkling eyes and a dazzling smile held the hand of the other boy. "Ben and Kylo," He said indicating to the two kids he held onto, one of them, Ben you thought, tried hanging on his father's right arm, making sounds like a monkey and pulling on his father's shirt sleeve. Ben was the shortest of the three and had brown hair like his mother's that stuck out all over as if it couldn't decide which way it wanted to part that day. His eyes were just like his fathers, deep brown, complimenting the small beauty marks that fell across his smiling face. His ears stuck out and you thought he really did look like a monkey when he blew his cheeks out at you, face red and laughing when his mouth burst with a pop, startling you.

The other boy, Kylo, had darker hair almost as unruly but obviously brushed and dark eyes to match. Much like Ben he had beauty marks on his pale skin, only in a different pattern. As you took note of the way they were different you catch Kylo's eye and he gave you a small awkward smile with lips that were pouted naturally like his mother's, awkward as though he didn't smile that often compared to his monkey-like brother. His smile came as fast as it went and he turned to shove Ben when he had begun hanging on him as well, their father having sluffed the boy off, extending an arm to shake hands with your parents. You ducked behind your mother's leg a little more and looked to your right towards the last boy while the others seem distracted with play fighting each other.

"And this is Matt." Their mother said with a smile down at the one holding her hand. "Obviously you can see their triplets, but they're also a handful if you hadn't already guessed." She shook her head as she and her husband laughed along with your parents. The last boy, Matt, was the spitting image of Kylo and Ben, but with blonde hair like his father's, that was cut shorter, making the strands flip into small curls around his ears and forehead. Matt had thick glasses that made his eyes look just a little bigger magnifying the hazel spots in the deep brown. Matt raised his hand in a small wave to you with the hand that wasn't holding onto his mother and you gave him a timid wave back. 

Ben ran up behind you and around to your right side, the one not pressed against your mom. He got up close to your face and smiled at you saying in a voice just a bit too loud for how close he was, "We're brothers! We're fat-er-nal."

"It's FRA-ternal Ben!" said Matt, rolling his eyes as if his brother should know since Matt has obviously told him a million and one times, at least. Ben bounced back over to his family and the Solo's turned to leave after chatting for a while longer and making plans for dinner and a playdate later on. You watched as they left Ben, Matt, and Kylo sprinting down the street in a contest seeing who could touch their front door first. Kylo pushed past his brothers to touch the silver knob of the door and turned it, running inside. 

….

Climbing precariously to the top of a flat sawed tree trunk a small hand reaches out to yours offering guidance. You gladly take the hand letting it pull you up to stand, balancing on the old deadwood. Looking around you see a small stream winding down a gently sloped hill through the forest of tall Evergreens who's needles were bright green in the sunlight of spring, budding new pinecones to drop in fall. The smell of the trees and sap was strong and you couldn't get enough of the clean air. You had only walked into the woods half a mile from the trailhead that started at the end of the cul-de-sac, a fantasy exit from your suburban neighborhood at the top of the hill, but the hike had seemed like hours to your small mind and weary feet. 

"I want to show you my favorite spot," he said with a gleam of excitement in his brown eyes. He pulled you to the edge of the trunk to stand in front of him and then put his arms around your waist heaving you into the air until your feet touched, landing on the rest of the tree that had been felled. The large Evergreen had lost almost all it's branches, only a few stray ones sticking out towards the sides, and was covered in spongey green moss. You stepped forward to let him heave himself on to the tree and then he shimmied around you holding your hand to guide you across the makeshift bridge. 

After jumping down from the end of the tree and walking for a short while longer the trees part abruptly and lead the two of you into a small clearing surrounded by oaks with bright green leaves the size of your head swaying in the softest breeze. You spin around in the tall grass and flowers, the whipping of your sundress blending with the singing of small birds hiding in the branches and the lightness of your laughing. The world tilts in a dizzy comedown and you land in the soft ground cushioned by more moss and grass, still damp with dew from the chilly morning. You breathe deep and sigh opening your eyes again expecting to see the white clouds floating in the blue sky, but instead, you see deep brown eyes reflecting your own eyes back to you like mirrors placed in front of one another. Brushing a small helicopter leaf out of your unruly hair he smiles, the chirping of the birds swelling in your ears and becoming the sweetest song you had ever heard. His smile becomes more serious as he looks down into your face and opens his mouth, saying something so quietly you can't hear over the song of birds around you.

The sun warms your face again as he moves away and you jump to your feet, running after the boy who's side you never wanted to leave. 

….

"A frog!" The shriek comes from behind a bush on the other side of the playground and you run over as fast as your small legs could carry you, but not fast enough to beat Matt who had already grabbed the slimy green amphibian from Ben's hands. He inspected the frog closely his glasses less than in inch away from the wriggling creature. You tug on Matt's orange shirt sleeve and whine, "Matty! Let me see too! Let me see Matty-"

"Don't call him that," Kylo says from behind Ben, looking between you and Matt with a worried expression. Ben leans his head towards yours to tell you that Matt didn't like being called 'Matty' and he would get upset if you did that. You looked back to Matt and was about to apologize when he surprised you by saying, "You can (Y/N), if you want.. You know, to call me… Matty." You smiled as he held out the frog for you to see, telling you about what kind it was and what the marks on it's back meant. After a minute the frog wiggles enough to get free, hopping away into the bushes before Ben could trap it again. 

"Awwww" Ben complains, "I wasn't done looking at it."

"It's just a stupid frog," Kylo says with a huff. "Come on (Y/N), I'll push you on the swing." You jump up, brushing the dirt and grass off of your knees and run after Kylo who was making his way to the blue metal jungle gym. You jump onto the swing seat backward and thump lightly into Kylo as he holds the chains to steady the seat. Kylo pushes you as you giggle screaming "Higher! Higher!" the wind whipping through your hair making knots. Kylo pushes you again with as much strength as he can will and you laugh soaring into the air. But your laugh is cut off as you realize you flew too high and began tilting back before the swing could make it's way back down. Before you know what happened you were back on the ground, but instead of being safely on your feet, your face is planted in the dry bark chips, a pain throbbing from your wrist. 

Through tears you see Matt run to you, worry across his face that shifts to anger as he rushes past you to Kylo who was standing awestruck by the swing. Matt pushes Kylo into the bark and they roll over each other yelling. After Ben had told you to hop onto his back he began walking down the street back to the houses where you all lived, rolling his eyes as his two fighting brothers raced to follow you. 

The rest of the summer you spent it with a small cast around your doll-like arm. It had fractured the bones between your thumb and wrist, barely missing the growth plate in your hand. You decided on a lime green cast but weren't excited when it had been put on, your hand for now permanently locked in place in an ugly rock. Your mother brought you home later, digging through the kitchen junk drawer as soon as she walked into the house. She crouched down to be at your height and took your cast in one hand, drawing a small cartoon cat face and signing the cast as 'MOM'. You squealed in happiness as you ran up the stairs with the marker begging your dad to sign your arm too. He chuckled and doodled a smiley face with a big nose and crossed eyes signing his spot as 'DAD'. This made it much better. your ugly cast suddenly lively with your parents' drawings and autographs.

Skipping down the street with a marker in hand you arrive at the Solo house a few doors down and ring the doorbell three times before Kylo opens the door, eyes falling to your bright green cast, and letting you inside. You look up and ask him in a quiet voice to sign your cast showing him where your parents had just signed their names. He takes the black marker and in a shaky hand writes 'kyLo' with a drawing of a sword that looks more like a stick with a smaller stick laid across it. He inspects his craftsmanship and nods his approval but stating that you should have picked red instead of green. 

Ben and Matt also signed your cast as 'BeN' in the most illegible handwriting adorning it with a car that was much like a box with lopsided wheels, and 'matty' in the neatest of the three. Matt signed his with a small frog and looked pleased when you snorted, saying it looked just like the one you had seen earlier at the park. 

Kylo gave Matt a frown and stomped off to play video games, ignoring the three of you for the rest of the day. From that day you had a feeling that something was changing but your young mind couldn't wrap around the intricate workings of young love and brotherly rivalry. You only hoped that the four of you would be best friends forever, collecting frogs and running through the trees.


	2. Enamel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is gross. Matt is sweet. Ben is... Ben.

Fear grips your stomach as you speed around the corner of the towering, red brick wall standing on the far edge of the bustling playground, a beacon of refuge. Gulping in a deep breath you brace yourself against the cool red stone and look down at your knees, scraped with pieces of gravel sticking to them, blood smeared across your skin. Your hands looked pretty similar, heels of your palms on fire where you tried stopping your head from hitting the ground. You weren't clumsy but you were so often covered in bruises and scrapes, even coming home with a tooth missing wasn't that alarming to your parents, regardless of the fact it was missing the very same day when you had brushed your teeth and noticed the tooth jiggle slightly. The same day you realized it was slightly loose and ran to show your father, getting excited when he told you the tooth fairy would be coming when your tooth fell out in a week or two. 

Letting out a frustrated huff you close your eyes to listen for the scuff of footsteps. Nothing. Hot blood rushes through you and your heart slams against your chest trying to break free and run while your legs are frozen in place.  
The gallop of sneakers against gravel makes the beating stop and you are surely about to have a heart attack. Your eyes fly open and lock onto the black eyes of your hunter.

Kylo was a tall lanky boy in the fifth grade now with ears that stuck out of the side of his head and a splattering of beauty marks across his large nose. His hair was neatly cut and parted on the side but was falling in his face to half cover one of his eyes, his predatory gaze still locked onto your large eyes. You flick your eyes to the ground willing tears back down and biting the inside of your lip. Kylo rounds the sharp corner of the wall, his face flushed with red breathing through his nose to steady himself. He takes a step towards you and you flatten your back against the wall, balling up the hem of your skirt into your small fists as he steps closer until he is standing so close to you that your nose almost brushed his chest. You keep your eyes level, terrified to look into your bully's face. The same face who used to laugh with you and his brothers.

This boy was the reason your knees and hands were bloody and stinging, filled with gravel and laying the ground for some future scars. This boy was the reason you were covered in bruises in varying degrees of healing, a rainbow against your skin. This boy was the one who pushed you in the school hall and threw crumpled up pieces of paper at you in the lunchroom as you walked past. This boy was the one that had seen you showing your friends your brand new loose tooth and when he asked to see it you hesitantly complied, opening your mouth and wiggling it with the tip of your tongue. His hand had flown from his side into your mouth and grabbed your tooth, grasping the wet bone and pulled up as hard as he could. You had felt the snap of the root and began screaming immediately, blood pooling under your tongue and dripping on your chin. 

The teachers paid your story no mind as though all stories children told were fantasy and make-believe, holding no weight in reality. They had assumed you were playing with your loose tooth as children tend to do, fidgeting the small nub back and forth in your mouth and that it had come loose and fell to the ground, forever lost to the grass of the field. But the older boy had taken your tooth. He had taken it root and all pocketed it and ran away to hide under the jungle gym.

And now the boy was the reason for your icy fear every time you went onto the playground or walked to the bus line, eyes always scoping out the glossy black hair. 

Kylo was still towering above you, breathing heavy and staring down to the top of your messy tangle of curly hair. His palms were sweaty as he reached up and grasped a handful of your curls, making you squeak in pain and tears spring into your eyes. He pulled your hair back, slamming your skull into the wall and immediately pressed his chapped mouth against your open one, smashing his lips against your teeth. The inside of your lip was smashed against the edge of your remaining teeth next to where the gap was, splitting the soft skin and reminding you of the taste of coppery blood. Tears rolled down your cheeks and you whimpered, letting go of your dress and shoving your hands between you and the larger boy pushing him off of you.

Kylo stumbled backward and looked at you with wide eyes and a splotchy flushed face, gasping a breath. He looked at you, face bright red, wet with tears and snot running from your nose over your lips where he had been a moment before. You lift a sleeve to cover your mouth and rub away the feeling. Lips trembling, you slide down the cool brick wall, bringing your knees to your chest and begin to cry softly. Kylo stares at your for a moment and then hurriedly walks away, around the corner and back to the playground where you can hear the other children playing.

You sniff, eyea swollen and face hot, confused and frightened. When had things changed? When did Kylo begin to despise your very presence? What had you done? Being in the second grade was hard, you thought to yourself, but at least it was the last day of school, the last day of second grade and the last day you would have to see Kylo again. Fifth graders go to middle school next year.

The third grade would be better.

…

Bright yellow sunshine beamed down on you as you ran around the large trunk of an oak tree whose green summer leaves danced in the light breeze. You giggled as the slapping whir of cards in bike wheels flew down the walking trail, past your hiding spot and away into the forest. Matt and Ben would not find you where you were tucked in between two enormous gnarled roots of the oak. You held your breath, waiting to hear them backtracking to find you but you heard nothing. You congratulate yourself on a great hiding spot and decide the best tactic would be to change locations, lest the two older boys wise up and look around the tree. You pick up a stick, breaking off the smaller twigs and begin your pilgrimage into the denser foliage of the forest where the sun shone a little less. The cool air and shade was a welcome contrast to the beaming sun hovering over your neighborhood. You make your way down an embankment, dragging your stick along trees and bushes, humming to yourself and enjoying the quiet. 

Bending down to push the stick around in the clay mud at the edge of the river you suddenly feel a stab of sadness in your chest. You recall that morning when you had run down the stairs to answer the ringing doorbell, throwing open the door and immediately running back into the hallway to stuff your bare feet into your sneakers. You look up to see Ben and Matt, two of the Solo triplets, standing in the doorway. Ben was the shortest of the triplets by two inches and had a fluff of dark brown hair sticking out as if he had perpetual bed head. He grinned at you, braces flashing blue. Matt waved to you and gave you a near-identical grin but with orange braces instead of blue. He awkwardly turned to look away running his fingers through his neat blonde curls.

"Matty it's so hot outside! How are you wearing a vest?" You said to the older boy, hopping to your feet and walking past them into the yard outside and down to the sidewalk where two bikes, blue and orange respectively, leaned against kickstands. 

"He's too excited to wait until tomorrow to wear his new school clothes," Ben said as he swung his leg over his bike and flipping the kickstand up with his heel. "Dad has one just like it so Matt hasn't taken it off since he got it."

"Have to Ben!" Matt snapped back steadying his bike against his leg as you take your spot behind him, your hands on his shoulders, feet on the pegs. 

You gave them a small laugh as your rode off but it was hollow as you listened to them talk about the next day when they would start high school; Ben practically begging Matt to help him with the summer homework he still hadn't started.

Standing up from the mess you made on the riverbank, you leave your stick in the red-brown mud and make your way downriver. You wander idly as you thought about the loss you felt already. You felt as if Ben and Matt were moving away to another planet where you could not reach them. You had, of course, noticed them getting taller and broader, growing into their teenage bodies. It only reminded you of your own stick-thin legs and flat chest under your overalls and tee-shirt.

You hadn't gone to school with the Solo triplets since they had started middle school and you were left behind in third grade. It made you sad at first to not see them at recess every day but you fell back into a rhythm of 'hanging out' as they started calling it; less Kylo. You only saw Kylo in passing, stomping back to his room whenever you came over so Matt could help you with homework or at events like neighborhood barbeques and Christmas parties. He wouldn't even come to your birthday parties anymore. Leia had told you not to worry, that Kylo was just at a moody age. Puberty age. But you remembered what had happened in elementary school, you knew how much he hated you before he got older.

Running in circles in your mind, worrying about how much less you would be able to see Matt and Ben, you hadn't noticed the sun lowering behind the trees and the shadows cast by the towering forest became longer across the ferns. You looked around you for the oak tree near the walking trail figuring the boys had gone back up the hill to wait for you at the trailhead. Matt had a timer set on his calculator watch for when the street lamps came on and it was time to go inside. That timer had saved your trio more times than you could count.

Realizing that nothing around looked familiar you felt a twinge of panic. You walked faster, eyes darting for a sign of something, anything you recognized but you were lost in the blue-tinted woods. As the air grew colder around you and the sky darker you began to feel hysteric, running in every direction no sense for where you were. The undergrowth of blackberries snagged at your legs making small cuts but you didn't care, you couldn’t think of anything but getting free of the towering pines that seemed to stretch to the sky forever. 

This is it you think, sitting down against a log, the back of your shirt soaking up the wetness of moss, your hair sticking to the sweat on your face making it itch. You were certain you would be eaten by bears and die in this forest tonight. You would never see your mom or dad again, you would never get highlights in your hair, you would never know what it's like to start wearing a bra like your older cousin had last summer, and you would never see Matt and Ben again. You sniffed, tears mixing with the grime and sweat on your face and felt how heavy your body was with exhaustion. You curled into yourself and you waited for the end. You found it strange that you were even sad to think that you would never see Kylo again. 

As you succumbed to the sleep pulling your eyes down like shades, you thought that maybe it was better this way. If you were eaten by a coyote or mountain lion then you wouldn't have to keep thinking about being left behind. You wouldn't have to think about your confusing feelings towards Kylo and you wouldn't be sad that Matt and Ben were going to Highschool.

….

Your dream was empty darkness so black you couldn't see your own hands. Heaven? This isn't at all what the man at church said it would be like. You realize you can see one thing in front of you. Glittering black eyes staring into yours. You try to yell out, crying for help but the eyes are gone now and you aren't sure they were even there to begin with. 

….

"We got her! She was by the river!" Han called up to trail to the other officers. "She's hypothermic."

Han holds the small girl close to his body, hoping to help warm her trembling body. The call had come in two hours before but not to the police department. The call had come to his house at seven-thirty, a half-hour after Matt and Ben were supposed to be home. He assumed they had not realized what time it was and would most likely be back at the house soon, trying to talk their way out of extra chores for being late. The call had been from the neighbors down the block. From the (Y/L/N) 's house. They relayed to you their worries that (Y/N) hadn't come home yet, not usually being past curfew. 

That was the same moment Matt came flying through the front door calling out for Han in a voice filled with panic. 

"We were playing hide and seek! And she disappeared! We knew where she was hiding-" He started explaining before Ben cut in,

"We were going to circle back around and try to scare her but-"

"But she's gone!" Matt cut back in his eyes filling with tears.

Han had gathered the search party as fast as possible, calling the station and setting up a base made of cop cars parked in the cul-de-sac in front of the trailhead. Everyone had been searching for nearly two hours, calling out for (Y/N) and hoping for the best, planning for the worst. Han was looking around the oak where Matt and Ben had seen her last, when his other son Kylo had out from the trees, jerking his head towards the river.

Kylo had found (Y/N) laying on the dry ground unconscious and shivering. Teeth chattering. Lips blue. Han looked back towards his son, unmoving as he stared intensely at (Y/N), eyes dark and unwavering. Han shook off the odd feeling he had and radioed the squad cars parked in the neighborhood above them. Bending down he had unzipped his pack and wrapped (Y/N) in a blanket, picking her up in his arms and trekking home, Kylo following silently behind. 

…

Kylo watched as you were loaded into an ambulance, mother crying over her pale face lips trembling. He had been the first one into the forest after his brothers had arrived home, running out the backdoor and down the street to where the signpost marked the walking path. He had searched for not even an hour before he found you asleep in the dirt. But he had not called for his father yet. He had sat back behind the bushes watching the rise and fall of your shallow breaths and taking index of each freckle and curl. 

Kylo had waited, keeping watch over you for an hour more as you danced in and out of consciousness, your skin getting paler, your lips tinted blue. You had opened your eyes for a moment your (Y/E/C) casting a distant look into his and then you were asleep again, shivering. When he knew that you had been exposed to the cool hair and wet moss long enough he found his father. 

As he laid in bed that night, replaying the way you fretfully tossed against the hard ground, he rolled a small white baby tooth between his fingers, thinking of the last day of fifth grade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really enjoying this really gross dark fic. Letting my rotten brain run wild on this one. 
> 
> If you have any constructive criticism feel free to share! I'm not a writer by trade so anything that seems off please let me know :^) 
> 
> Let me know how you're liking this dark mess <3


	3. Chapter 3

Fluorescents burn your eyes as you sit up in the creaking hospital bed, the rustle of your papery blue gown grating on your ears just as much as they feel grated on your skin. The attending nurse stepped aside to let in your first visitors since you had arrived last night. You were exhausted from being poked and prodded all night never getting a full hour of sleep since the state of your vitals had been closely monitored despite saying you felt fine. You didn't feel fine but you were embarrassed. You were embarrassed that you proved yet again that you were a child who needed to be saved and looked after by the adults in your life. You were embarrassed when your mother and father had been called in to see you when you had become more stable and your mother had begun crying, eyes already puffy, your father's sunken dark circles. Seeing your mother cry only made you start crying and she held you reminding you that you really were their 'little girl'. She rocked you to sleep in her arms that night after Squeezing into the narrow bed with you, your father sitting in the rickety rocking chair flipping through a golf magazine idly until he began snoring, dropping the magazine on the speckled tile.

Looking towards the entrance to your cold, sterile white room you see Han nod his head in hello and Leia gives you a small wave, lips in a thin tight line. Matt and Ben hastily walk to your beside as Han and Leia greet your parents, getting filled in on your condition and relaying the night's events after the ambulance had driven away with you inside. You look down at your scratched up hands fidgeting with the thin microfiber blanket thrown over your bare and bandaged legs not wanting to meet the brothers' eyes you knew were looking right at you. 

"You lived!" Ben said triumphantly, throwing out his arms as he took in your nervous state. "We thought we'd never see you again kid." He shook his head, giving you a grin and shaking his head comically. 

"I-" You started to reply but Matt cut in.

"(Y/N) are you ok? Are you hurt? Is it bad? What happened?" He asked in quick succession not giving you enough time to answer his barrage of queries. 

"I'm-" You began again but Ben gave his brother an exaggerated and exasperated eye-roll as if Matt had been going on like this since you had disappeared the afternoon before. 

"She's fine Matt! Can't you see she's fine? We wouldn't be here if she wasn't ok." Ben gestured his hands towards you as if he was Vanna White showing the obvious puzzle to the room. 

Matt gave an annoyed huff through his nose and a small shake of his head. You looked to the side where Matt's hands were gripping at the grey railing of the bed, knuckles a little white. You gave a small smile inside as you noticed he was wearing his bright orange vest again, the one that looked just like his dad's. You loved the color orange when Matt was wearing it, bright and clashing with his dark blonde curls. He seemed so agitated on your behalf and you were thankful to have such good friends who looked after you. You wanted to reassure him and tell him you were ok, you were fine, he didn't need to worry so much about you, you could take care of yourself. You began again with, "Matty really I-" and once again was cut off but not by Ben's well-meaning humor. This time the room went silent as you heard a voice you hadn't heard in a long time, a voice rougher and quieter than it's fraternal counterparts. 

"You're an idiot is what you are (Y/N)." the voice growled. Your head shot up to see Kylo standing awkwardly by the door dressed in all black, a vast juxtaposition to the pale blues and creams of the room. His arms were crossed loosely in front of his chest and he was glaring at the wall to his left as if he was speaking to the painting of a beach coastline done is washed watercolors hanging on the wall, the stripped lighthouse the target of his pouting look. As always his brows were furrowed with dark, long waves of hair casting shadows over his eyes and his pale lips were pulled into a permanent frown. Everyone looked towards him with eyes wide with shock. They were all as surprised as you were to hear him speak up and speak his mind, the annoyance clear in his voice. 

"Kylo!" Han snapped at his son.

Kylo ignored his father and shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants, still focusing on the offending lighthouse entrapped in the crooked wall decoration. You felt a pang of hurt inside your gut, the words hitting home. You felt your face heat up as his annoyed glare found it's real target turning his eyes but not his head more towards you, locking onto your bandaged arms and hands covered in nicks and scrapes from your fruitless escape of the woods. The barbed brambles had tried their best to keep you imprisoned with them wrapping tendrils of spikes around your exposed arms and legs and cutting into the first few layers of skin, desperate for a blood sacrifice to hold you in a binding contract. You clenched your shaking hands tighter on the blanket and feeling the knot in your stomach twist tighter as well as Kylo slides his gaze up towards your own. 

"Am I wrong? She's a stupid little kid that caused problems for everyone else as if we didn't have anything better to do after school than visit little miss princess." He finished with a sneer, still looking at you as tears welled quickly in your eyes, feeling every bit the part of the little girl he said you were. He was right and you knew it. You had needlessly worried your parents and wasted everyone's time as they looked for you. The knot in your belly seemed to turn into a hungry black hole turning your insides and making you ache. 

You jumped when Matt strode across the room in a few steps and raised his arm to twist a fist into the collar of Kylo's worn hoodie collar and pulling him close so their noses almost touched. "Apologize!" He said to Kylo, shaking his brother slightly, his thick glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. Kylo glared at you for one more moment until he lazily slid his dark irises to meet his brother's hazel ones. You swore you could see the smallest smile of self-satisfaction on his lips but as you blinked away tears it was gone again. 

"Or what, Matty?" Kylo said teasingly using a nickname Matt wasn't called by anyone but you. Matt clenched his fists again and before he could respond or react to Kylo's taunting words, Han walked over and thrust his large hands between the two boys, pushing them apart by their chests even as they glared. Ben Gave an awkward laugh as he turned back to you, giving you shoulder a light play punch. 

"Cheer up kid! Everything's fine now, nothin' to worry about." He flashed his blue braces reassuringly, and walked over to Matt, pulling him out the door while his brothers still stared each other down. "Time to go, chop chop Matt, homework to do." Matt quickly turned to you before he was pulled from the room entirely and rushed a "Bye (Y/N), I'll see you at home." And the door gently closed again. Leia sighed and rolled her eyes in an exasperated and loving way only a mother with three trouble-making boys could manage and said goodbye to your parents before wishing you a speedy recovery and calling to Han and Kylo as she followed the other two triplets. Han gripped the back of Kylo's neck in a stern way, telling his son through the squeeze of his fingers what was in store if he continued to act in such a manner. He turned saying goodbye to your parents and you quickly before shoving Kylo out the door with a rough push and a, "Get." Kylo simply complied and left letting the door swing closed and click, the sound echoing in the heavy air. 

Despite your mother telling you he was just worried you knew Kylo was right and that everyone else was content to step on eggshells to baby you. You sniffed and rolled over to sleep, trying to forget the look in Kylo's eyes and how similar it was to the eyes from your dream.

….

As you had predicted Matt and Ben became busier and busier with high school doing after school activates with new friends, getting loads more homework that made your head spin when you asked to look and going to after school sports games. You were happy though that you could go to the games with Han and Leia, sitting in the bleachers with Matt talking about school and studying. "I was thinking of applying to a college in DC for forensic science," Matt said as you sat down three rows back from the bright green football field, shivering as you sat down on ice cold metal despite your bundled layers, hat, mittens and all. You turned to him as he continued, "But I'm not sure. I could always do my prerequisites at the community college here before committing to a major." He mused, giving you a sideways glance as if hoping you would advise him to stay at home, with you. 

"DC would be so cool!" You said excitedly thinking of taking a trip to the Smithsonian and touring the memorials. Matt looked at you sideways and opened his mouth as if to say something. The look on his face made you think that maybe your enthusiasm at him moving across the country wasn't what he wanted to hear, but he didn't have a chance to reply before the school marching band began playing, signaling the beginning of the football match. While Matt had still made plenty of time to see you during the week always willing to help tutor you and help with homework, Ben had joined as many sports as he could go for integrating himself into every group and making loads of friends like the social butterfly he was. Kylo had also joined football when Ben did both easily making the team seems to get bigger all the time. But for Kylo it was a pastime not caring for the social circles or fanfare of being on the high school football team, only wearing his letterman when required, keeping to himself, always standing a little away from his teammates. 

As the Home team ran onto the field you saw Ben skipping across the turf and taking an exaggerated bow in front of the crowd before being called into the huddle at the bottom of the bleachers. You laughed at the goofiest member of the Solo family your face in a comfortable smile. Until you saw Kylo, the tallest on his team somehow taller than the last you saw him which was rare. You only ever saw him when you were at the Solo house studying at the kitchen table with Matt going over the packets of Math and History you had brought over. While Ben would come home rambunctious and cheerful as ever, Kylo would follow in through the door behind him, not stopping on his mission to his room and slamming the door. He would never meet your eyes, pretending like you weren't even there. Not a single hello, as you greeted him and Ben with a small 'Welcome home' as Ben ruffled your hair, sitting down with you and Matt at the table.

But now Kylo seemed to be staring right at you through the metal bars in his football helmet, not taking his eyes off you as the coach started the huddle explaining the night's game plan. You were surprised and in an awkward attempt at friendliness you often didn't try, you lifted your gloved hand in a small wave to him, something you hadn't done since you were a small child waving to the triplets down the street from your front porch watching them play on their bikes. Kylo blinked at you but you weren't sure if it was an acknowledgement, and looked back to the whiteboard the coach had taking in the lines and circles foreign to your unathletic mind. You lowered your arm with a small sigh feeling exhausted from the smallest of interactions and looked back to Matt who had clicked his tongue in what sounded like an annoyance. His eyes as he looked down the field to Kylo were hard and cold.

The game went by in a flash, the home team always a few points ahead of the visitors who's coach became more furious every time they fumbled. He was huffing so much, his face turning such a deep red it was almost purple, you thought he might pass out from lack of air. You and Matt whooped and clapped every time Ben and Kylo scored, laughing and cheering with the rest of the bleachers the frigid winter air filled with the translucent puffs of hot breath from everyone around. In the end, the home team won causing the families and students of the school to erupt into screams and rush the field to congratulate the players, the visiting team shaking their hands good-naturedly even though the frustration at losing was apparent. 

You picked your way down the steps of the bleachers with Matt in tow and pushed past a group of giggling older girls to run up to Ben who picked you up and swung you in a circle laughing as the two of you become dizzy, giddy with victory. As he put you down you looked up to Kylo who was standing just behind Ben silently looking across the field. Emboldened by the earlier hospitality (if you could call it that) You took a few tentative steps towards him and away from the crowd.

"That was a really good game," You said, "That goal you scored was great." You gave him a small smile as he looked to you again, his signature scowl ever-present. 

"Yeah." He said and continued to stare, making you nervous. As you rack your brain for something else to say Matt put a hand on your shoulder to let you know it was time to go home. You started across the field to the parking lot after saying goodbye to Ben who was going out with a group of friends for milkshakes and burgers to celebrate the win. Before you rounded the corner of the walls around the field you looked back and saw Kylo still staring at you unblinking.

When you brushed your teeth that night you could have sworn you felt a tooth wiggle.

….

Burned cardboard and tomato sauce smell stung your nose as you stood in the lunch line with a group of friends talking animatedly about the newest print of their favorite magazine, the Holy Bible for all girls aged eight to thirteen, Tiger Beat magazine, a one-stop destination for all things fashion, drama and romance. You looked to the thin-sliced "pizza" and accompanying chocolate milk the lunch ladies had arranged haphazardly on the hot plates and thought twice about lunch, opting for a banana and diet coke instead. Following the other girls, you jumped as your friend Kaitlyn squealed excitedly sitting down and giving the others in the group a glittering look.

"OK so like, guess what!" She said, scrunchied ponytail flipping as she looked around to the group.

"What?" You said a smile on your face, ready to hear whatever gossip was yet to come.

Kaitlyn practically vibrating in her seat squealed again and said, "Chase kissed me! Like kissed me kissed me! On the mouth!" All the other girls erupted into similar giggles and squeals, begging for the details of Kaitlyn's lurid escapade with her long time, three-month boyfriend Chase. The babbling continued as one after another they recounted their own first kisses, the home run of action all middle school girls dreamed of. When Kaitlyn turned to you though you froze, meeting her expectant gaze and feeling your face grow hotter. "What about you (Y/N)? Who was your first kiss?"

Face hotter still and palms becoming sweaty in your lap, you remembered what you could have considered your first kiss. Your secret kiss that no one except the other party knew about. The kiss on the playground that tasted like blood from your split lip and snot from your running nose, tears a salty touch. You thought about the way his fingers had tangled in your unruly curls to hold your face pressed against his, feeling some of the strands painfully pop out of the follicles as you pushed Kylo away and he stumbled back.

"I haven't been kissed." You say to her trying to keep your voice level through your half-truth. "I forgot I have to go turn in a paper. I'll see you guys later." You said slinging your glittery backpack over your shoulder and ignoring the protests from your friends. You ran to the bathroom in a mad dash and burst into a stall just in time to empty to meager contents of your stomach into the porcelain bowl, Diet Coke stinging your nose on the way back up. You panted as you finished dry heaving, and laid your face against the cool white seat not caring about germs as you stared blankly at the urine that had splashed onto the toilet seat from a previous user. Too much sugar on an empty stomach you thought to yourself flushing the foaming brown concoction. You sit back against the stall wall pulling your legs up to your chest and took your phone out of your backpack, flipping it open and sending a hasty text to your mom asking her to come to pick you up. 

'Can't. Work is busy.'

You grumbled and asked if your dad was available to retrieve you. 

'Dad busy too. Ask one of the boys high school out early today'

You flipped through your messages until you came to your group chat with Ben and Matt, explaining you didn't feel good and needed to go home. 

Matty: 'Mathletes practice right now can you wait till 3?'

Beeeeeen: 'Kylo has car 2day im @ soccer practice :/'

You: 'no biggie ill catch the bus home :P '

You sigh, staying in the bathroom for a while longer and resolve yourself to toughing out the nausea for the rest of the day when you get a text ping again.

Kylo: 'Out front'

You look the screen in surprise not believing the name on the screen. Kylo was outside? Kylo was here? Was he here to pick you up?

Kylo: 'leaving in 5'

The text was short but had a commanding tone that had you gathering your bag and rushing out of the bathroom and down the hall to the front of the school. A silvery-grey Ford Focus was pulled up in the front of the bus roundabout idling expectantly like a suburban town car, waiting to chauffeur you to the five stars, Red Robin, down the street. You walk up to the car trepidatiously and look to the driver not believing your eyes as Kylo really sat in the front seat staring out the windshield at a group of students eating lunch on the school lawn. You jump as he rolls down the window and asks,

"Are you going to get in or just stare?" looking at you expectantly.

"S-sorry." you fumble with the door and drop into the fake leather seat, feeling the frayed seatbelt rub your neck raw as you click it into place, securing you in the vacuum of sound dead, devoid of air, you-might-just-explode space of the four-door. Securing you in the car with Kylo for the next fifteen-minute drive back to your shared neighborhood. The car jerks as he speeds out of the parking lot onto the adjoining street and past the freeway exit, the fastest way to get across town. For the next thirty minutes, you correct yourself mentally.

"How-" you start but he answers your question knowing what you were going to ask before you even got it out. "Ben texted me and told me you needed a ride." He says simply turning down another back street.

"Oh." you say back in the most intelligent way one can, "Cool." Nailed it.

You look out the window for a while at the winding road next to the river that stretched under a hanging of oaks that were grey and bare, empty branches sticking out to the sky in the mid-winter gloom. You absently play with a strand of your messy hair pulling it and watching as the curl snaps back into its ringlet when you let it go, landing over your nose. You blow up at it, letting it flip back into the rest of the tangles cascading around your head. Kylo glanced over to you and suddenly you were hyper-aware of your hair. You were hyper-aware of everything. The acne across your splotchy red face, the way your sweater hung on your shoulders two sizes too big and a vomit stain on the sleeve. The gum you knew was on the bottom of your shoe and most likely adhering itself to the carpet binding you to the car and preventing your escape when the time comes. You were aware of the dirt under your fingernails and the way your mascara was just a little smudged from your damp eyes earlier.

You were all too aware Kylo sitting next to you, one hand on the stick shift, one muscled arm draped lazily over the wheel easing the car along the twisted roads. You knew the triplets had gotten bigger, you all had, that's how growing up works. But you didn't realize how grown up Kylo and his brothers looked now that you were an arm's length away. Kylo's hair was a shoulder-length wavy black framing his sharp jawline. The splatter of beauty marks danced across his pale skin over his roman nose, only avoiding his full pale lips turned down in the frown that never seemed to leave. 

You peered at Kylo through the gaps in your hair taking him in for the first time in a while. Did Ben and Matt look this grown-up too? They probably did owe to the fact they were literally triplets, but how had you not noticed your best friends from childhood had been hit with puberty with a truck. They had always been taller but you realized that now you had to lookup more, the top of your head only coming to Matt's shoulder. The other two didn't have their braces on anymore, getting them taken off the year previous once their teeth had been corrected. Ben had also gotten broader like Kylo, muscles filling out and defining from years of sports training. Matt had stuck to studying, not going out for any sports leaving the jock role to his brothers, meaning he hadn't bulked up as they did but had a lean muscle to him, formed naturally from his job doing stock at a local warehouse. 

Looking down and sighing quietly you reluctantly took inventory of your own teenaged body, bones sticking out and flat as a board, awkwardly lanky like a newborn foal. You crossed your arms over your body self consciously and looked back out the window realizing that you were almost to your house. Twenty-five minutes going by in a depressing flash. Rounding the corner next to the grey multi-chambered mailbox, Kylo pulls into your empty driveway and sets the car into park, the vehicle lurching as it stops. You reach down to grab your bag and say a hurried, "Thanks" but when you pull the plastic door handle and push, the door remains as closed as if it were glued shut. You push again a little harder but it doesn't budge. 

"Hey, the door is…" You turn towards Kylo in the driver's seat, intending to ask him to unlock the car so you could get out of his hair, but as you turn your head to your left, Kylo's right hand grabs a fist of your hair enough to keep you from pulling away and smashes his face to yours. You freeze as you relive a similar scene from years before, his hand tightly wound around your curls the same it had been on the playground. His lips move roughly against yours as he keeps you to him, letting out a small sigh. Your face burns hot as you recall that you didn't bother to rinse your mouth after your visit to the bathroom earlier, teeth and tongue still tasting like sugary puke. Reaching up to his chest with shaking hands you weakly push against him trying to get loose from his grasp. Kylo grunts at pulls at your hair harder making you whimper in pain. As he crushes your mouth to his again he slips his wet tongue between your teeth and licks into your mouth forcing your mouth open with his. Your breath hitches as he licks across the back of your teeth and groans, biting your lip. 

Shocked still, you hold onto the front of his shirt gripping the fabric in your hands tightly and squeeze your eyes shut panting and trying to catch a breath with his lips moving against your chapped ones.  
After what feels like an eternity Kylo pulls his hand out of your hair and cradles your cheek, kissing your reddened lips one last time, suddenly gentle and pulling away from your grasp. 

You slowly open your wet eyes as you hear Kylo unbuckle and get out of the car leaving the door open and walking to the passenger side. He grabs the outside handle of your door and pulls opening it with ease. A child lock, you think, no wonder it wouldn't open. Did he do it on purpose? Kylo grabs your bag from the carpeted floor of the car and wraps a large hand easily around your bicep pulling you up and out of the car, standing you on unsteady feet and shaking legs. He keeps his hold on your arm, leading you up the driveway and onto the porch, unzipping your backpack and digging through the pockets for the house key you kept there. He lets go of you to unlock your front door and gently pushes on your back, ushering you into the hallway. You look up at Kylo expecting to see a displeased frown and knit brows but instead, he looks back with a blank expression his eyes searching yours. 

In a final gesture, he reaches his right arm up again towards the left side of your head where he had pulled at your hair. You flinch slightly but instead of a tight pain on your scalp, Kylo reaches for a stray lock of hair brushing it back into place with his fingertips and then using the rough pad of his thumb to wipe away rolling tears you hadn't noticed until now. You stared after him as he turned and closed the door, leaving you standing in your dark hallway, teeth aching.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please re-read the whole work as I have added a lot and rearranged some chapters!
> 
> This gets a little dark and non-con so please read with care and caution.
> 
> As always let me know what you think and thank you for reading.

"Bye Mom!." You yell up the stairs to your parents' room where your mother was getting ready for her day, leaving to go to work and an hour after you usually took the bus to school. Usually. Today was different though because you weren't riding the bus to middle school. Today you were getting a ride from the triplets to go to your first day of high school, the first day of 9th grade. 

You run out of the house letting the red door slam and leap down the steps of the porch, making your way to the waiting car. Kylo's car. Your heart stops realizing Kylo would be the one driving. You hadn't considered this when asking Matt and Ben if you could catch a ride with them. Of course, Kylo would be driving. You slap a grin back onto your face as Matt opens the door of the back passenger seat, scooting back over to his own seat and re-buckling his seatbelt. 

As you slid into the cool seat Ben turns around to ruffle your hair and says "Hey Freshie!" Laughing as you duck and try smoothing out your hair again to no avail. No matter what you did your hair was an unruly bird nest. A few head ruffles weren't going to change that. Kylo ignores you, shifting into drive and heading out of the neighborhood towards the highschool. You hold your breath, shoulders tense as you try not to think about the last time you had been in Kylo's car and what had happened. You remain firm that you still had not had your first kiss, despite being confused over the validity of that statement. Did rough, puke tasting, lip splitting count as a first kiss? Did it count when the other person hates you? You stare out of the window and contemplate life's greatest mysteries, not helping your first day of school nerves.

"Hey, Y/N, you ok?"

You turn your head to Matt as he looks to you across the bench seat, smile crooked and brows upturned in worry. He starts to slide a large hand towards your knee across the seat but then seems to think better and jerks it back into his lap, a small flush across his nose. You smile, "I'm fine Matty, just nervous!" you laugh off your anxiety unconvincingly and then dive into asking Mat about the summer homework, getting his opinion on your essay, hoping it was good enough for high school. You try concentrating on Matt but your mind wanders again to the boy in the seat in front of you.

You glance up as the car pulls into the school's student parking lot, meeting Kylo's gaze in the rearview mirror for a flash before he quickly leaves the car, following Ben into the school. 

…

Matt shows you around the school, shows you your classes and sits with you during lunch. He's animated and bright just like the sun and you can't help but feel a gravitational pull to him and his orange vest. Matt is warm and energetic and you feel at home walking beside him across the courtyard to the arts annex where you had your lest class of the day.

"I took pottery in tenth grade but it did not go good." you both laugh as he tells you about a mother's day vase he made that later exploded in the kiln, secretly much to his relief. Climbing up the stairs to the glass-walled studio you look out past the courtyard to the football field where a group of students and a coach ran drills for the soccer team. You see Ben running to pass the ball to a teammate, jumping in triumph as they shoot and score in the goal net. Ben had always stayed a monkey in your mind, hyper, loud and always joking around. Ben was a clown but he was always there when you needed to laugh, cheer you up even when he needed it more. Ben was the buffer between Matt and kylo's fighting and the comic relief for the awkwardness of life. Ben was bright like Matt, but ben was a cozy brightness, wrapped around you and holding you fast. 

If Matt and Ben were bright and warm, Kylo was the ocean. Kylo was cold and gripping. Looking into Kylo's eyes made you feel as if you were drowning. As if his hatred of you was reaching out and pulling you into his waves. Kylo was a hypothermic ocean that you walked along its edge, hoping you could dip your toes in one day again. You wish it could be how it was when you were kids before he had kissed you before you had broken your arm. 

You snap back to Matt as you reach the art annex, most of the students already inside setting up for class. As you thank Matt and turn to go to class he gently turns your shoulder back to him so he can look down at your confused face.

"Y/N, I'm really glad you're here ya'know. I know it's only one more year but It's great we can spend it… together." he finishes quietly, blushing and keeping his hand on your upper arm, caressing it softly. He looks flustered and flicks his gaze from yours to his shoes, out the window and back to yours as if contemplating whether to let you get to class. 

Before you can say anything Matt leans in towards you and places a soft, warm peck to your cheek. You give a small jump of surprise breathing out, "Matty-" but again before you can voice a full thought Mat turns back down the hallway, hurrying to his TA period, bouncing lightly and waving back to you. You lift your hand to your cheek, burning red and warm where Matt had kissed you. You feel flutter in your heart, warming your whole body. You giggle to yourself like the schoolgirl you are and give a little bounce yourself. Smiling in disbelief you turn to open the door to your classroom, stopping dead as you meet eyes with Kylo, sitting across the room at an easel waiting for class to begin. 

Your stomach drops and your body turns cold as you see the anger in his brown eyes.

….

Later that day you and Matt sit outside in the courtyard, reading and working on homework for your new math class. Since Kylo had been the one to drive you all, you and Matt had to wait after school for Ben and Kylo to be done with soccer practice so you could all go home. 

Your mind replays your last period of the school day, the stomach-wrenching anxiety coming back as you remember the way Kylo had looked at you after Matt had leaned down to give you the slightest peck on the cheek. Kylo's eyes had been dark and furious as you walked in and took a seat as far away from his seat as you could. You tried ignoring the way your neck burned as you knew he was staring you down. You didn't understand why he was so upset though. Kylo hated you and maybe it was simply that he hated you were around, but you felt that it had something to do with Matt as well.

Matt, on the other hand, had been smiling nonstop since he picked you up from the last period and you both sat working on mind-numbing calculus. He looked as if there was no other place he would rather be than sitting in the dirt after school doing math exercises. 

"Y/N, I was thinking," He starts, looking at you with a sheepish grin, "How would you feel about… Hanging out this weekend?" he asks, looking back down at his book. 

You tilt your head, not understanding, "Matty we hang out every weekend, it's movie night on Saturdays."

"N-no Y/N, I mean…. Hang out. Just the two of us. No Ben. No…Kylo." His brow furrows for a moment as he thinks of his brothers, " We could still see a movie, but maybe we could go to the theater and see one. Like a… like a date?" He looks away blushing and fidgeting his hands over his textbook.

You blush, mind going blank and simultaneously a hundred miles an hour.

"Matty, are you asking me on a…date?" your face reddens more as you stumble over your words in disbelief.

"Y-yeah…Yes. Yes, I am." He says with gaining confidence. "Y/N I like you a lot. More than friends. We've been friends almost our whole lives. Nobody knows me like you and…and I want to go on a date with you." He finishes in a rush, taking a deep breath to steadily look at you, awaiting your answer.

You smile at Matt, your closest, longest and dearest friend since childhood, and nod. You both laugh, thinking about how funny it was to go on a date with your best friend after your whole lives playing in the forest and throwing popcorn at each other during movie nights. 

The boys drop you off at home and you wave to them as you climb up the steps of your porch to your front door.

…

Saturday comes much too fast and you spend the entire day worrying yourself over the smallest details you had never thought of before. Never thought of in regards to seeing Matt anyways. You worried over your hair and makeup, worried over if your socks were matching and if you were wearing too much or too little deodorant. You laugh to yourself as you make your way down the street to the Solo house taking a deep breath before knocking. 

It's silent and after the second time, you knock you hear heavy footsteps approach the door. It opens and you expect to see Matt, ready to go on your date, the word still juxtaposing the image of twelve-year-old Matt with braces and an awkward hair cut. Instead, you see the imposing figure of Kylo open the door, look at you and walk back into the house leaving the door open for you to follow. You nervously step inside and close the door behind you, craning your neck down the hall and listening for the sound of the rest of the family. 

"they're stuck in traffic across the bridge." You hear Kylo call from the living room where he had walked off to. "There's a big accident on the freeway so they're going to be stopped for a while. "

"Oh…" you say as you make your way into the living room where Kylo sits on the couch watching TV. Sure enough, when you check your phone you see Matt had sent a slew of texts explaining why he was late. You text him back, letting him know it's no big deal and you two can always catch a later showing of the art-house film you were set to see. 

You smile down at your phone as Matt texts you back, confirming the plan with a cheesy smiling emoji and a yellow thumbs up. You jump as Kylo snorts, visibly annoyed at your giddiness. 

"you texting Matty?" Kylo asks teasingly looking at you with coldness in his eyes.

Your face becomes hot and you feel yourself boiling over with irritation at the way he was mocking you.

"What's it to you?" you ask, staring back at him with a challenge, crossing your arms across your chest.

Kylo opens his mouth as if to say something but stops and exhales loudly, turning back to watch the TV again. Feeling vindicated, you stomp over in front of Kylo, blocking his view from the screen. "What is your problem Ky? Why do you care if Matty and I are texting? What's your deal?" You ask him, flailing your hand and raising your voice as years of emotion seethe out. 

Kylo stands up from the couch, stepping to face you and you realize yet again that he is much, much bigger than you. Kylo towers over you, staring down into your face with eyes on fire as he meets your challenging questions. He steps towards you again and crowds you, stealing all the air and light from the room. You hold your position steady, even as you look up into his knitted brow and dark face. "What's my deal?" He asks back to you. You give him a stiff nod wishing he would stop making you cower in his literal and metaphorical shadow. 

"My deal," He says again as he lifts his hands up, not giving you time to react and cups your face in them, jerking you to look into his eyes, bringing his face less than an inch from yours, "Is that you're going around tugging Matty along when you belong to me." 

Your breath leaves you as he pushes his mouth to yours, just as rough and demanding as the last time, his lips moving across yours. He keeps your face crushed between his large clammy hands as he begins to push his tongue into your mouth despite your confused sounds and pushes against his chest trying to get him off. His thumb rubs down your jaw to your chin and pulls so your mouth opens with a gasp, giving his own tongue full access to you. 

You grip onto his shirt trying to keep balanced as his wet muscle glides against yours and reaches as far into your mouth as he can, moaning under his breath. Your legs shake at the knees becoming weaker as Kylo continues exploring with his tongue. Just as you let out a ragged breath thinking your legs will give out and you'll fall, Kylo lets go of your face and leans over to pick you up. He lifts you easily in his thick arms and deposits you on the springy couch catching your breath finally. 

You look up to Kylo confused and face red, opening your mouth to ask him what the hell does he think he's doing when he lowers to his knees on the ground in front of you and the couch, leaning in and trapping you under him and laying his forearms on either side of your head.

"You’re mine Y/N and it doesn't matter if Matt or any other loser takes you on movie dates and holds your school books. You're mine." Kylo growls as he looks into your eyes that fill with tears, frightened by his ferocity. He dips his head and licks at your lips again, kissing them gruffly and hungrily. You whine as he continues licking into your mouth, petting a hand through your curls. 

Your hands grip onto the sides of his shirt, holding onto the only thing you can see, feel or perceive. Kylo. Your mind reels, trying to understand what was happening, what did he mean. 'You're mine.' The words echo in your head and he presses into your body, his hips flush to yours. You try pushing at him but he holds you under himself firmly, locking you into his embrace. Instead, you continue to hold onto him, feeling his body rubbing against your own, heat making it's way out from your belly. He stops kissing your mouth to let you breathe opting to graze his teeth against your jaw, pecking and licking along your neck and behind your ear.

Your breath hitches as you ask, "Why-" 

He stops for a moment and looks at you, meeting your eyes filled with tears and wondering. He looks back at you in complete seriousness cupping your cheeks and replies in the most gentle tone you had ever heard from him, "Because Y/N, you're mine, and I love you." Any thoughts you had escape your mind as you try processing Kylo's words and whatever meaning they held. Tears finally fall from your eyes, rolling down your cheeks and into Kylo's hands mixing with sweat. 

Kylo lets his hand wander down your neck and shoulder, trailing along you jutting ribs and down to your hip. He brushes over your thigh before backtracking under your skirt and running his fingertips up the inside of your thigh towards your apex. He wastes no time in fondling you, reaching into the front of your panties to touch the wetness that betrayed you. You breathe shallowly as your body burns hot and red, embarrassed and alight. You want to hide in the couch cushions and never come out, wishing Kylo wasn't watching your every minute reaction to him touching your most private parts. 

His other hand still cradles your cheek and he shushes you, wiping away a few warm tears, "Shhh Y/N sshhh. Just kiss me, kiss me, baby. First times are scary. Kiss me and don't think about it, baby. Kiss me Y/n." He says deeply into your ear before moving back to your lips, licking as if asking for entrance this time, as if he hadn't already taken this before. You keep your eyes closed as you let your lips part, allowing his tongue to slither back in, tasting your teeth as he pushes a finger into your heat. You suddenly find refuge in his mouth, kissing him back if only to assuage him. You focus on his lips and teeth and tongue, comforted by the familiar yet new feeling. 

His finger pushes into you, making you gasp into his mouth. He groans and before he gives you time to get used to this new feeling he pushes another finger into alongside the first. You let out a high pitched moan that Kylo swallows in a kiss, occupying your mouth and mind once again. He thrusts his middle and ring finger into a few more times before adding a third, his pointer. You grimace at the stretch wondering how anyone could endure this.

Kylo leans back and lifts your skirt watching his fingers in the front of your underwear disappearing into you and becoming covered in slickness. He finally removes his fingers covered in your fluids and grabs the back of your knee, getting your own slick on your leg. He reaches down to his pants, eyes never leaving yours as you lay shaking and flushed on the couch and unzips himself, pulling his hardened member out and gripping it firmly. 

You whine as you see his dick for the first time, head flushed and dripping in precum and he looks at you, jaw working furiously. You wish you could just go back to kissing. Kissing you could do. You had gotten used to his hungry mouth on yours but; this was too much. You were a virgin, a Freshie. You laugh hysterically to yourself as you use Ben's word, only the context was slightly skewed. You suddenly thought of Ben and Matt. They would never want to be around you again if they knew what you were doing. If they knew what Kylo had done to you. 

Kylo's moaning brings you back to the present as he strokes himself and watches your existential monologue play out in your mind's eye. He lets go of his dick and grabs onto your hips with both hands, pulling your hips towards him to the very edge of the couch. You move to close your open legs but he pushes them apart again not letting you curl in on yourself to hide away from him. Kylo leans back down over you kissing at your jaw and tear covered cheeks.

"I have your first kiss Y/N," He says as he positions himself at your entrance pulling your panties to the side, hot against your own heat. "I had your first kiss and I'm going to have all your firsts." He pushes into you further, the stretch making your eyes go wide in panic, letting out shallow breaths and gasps, digging your fingers into his back. "The first kiss," He pushes deeper so the head is inside you, "First make out," farther still until he's buried half of his length into you. He puts both forearms back onto the couch on either side of your head and twists his fingers into your curls. You kiss him, trying fruitlessly to distract him, make him backtrack to just kissing you, just shoving his tongue down your throat. 

He chuckles quietly, knowing your line of reasoning was fevered and disjointed. He kisses you back, holding his hips where they were and then breathes into your open mouth, "And now your first fuck." to emphasize his point he pushes into you harder and faster than the previous times, earning a yelp from you as his cock is buried deep inside you, stretching and splitting. New tears roll down your face as Kylo begins pushing in and out of you with deep breaths and sighs. 

"Ky-" You say in a squeak, wishing he would just listen. He ignores your plea and continues to thrust into you fully sheathing himself each time. You wrap your body around him, trying to find the rock within the storm of his body touching yours. He pushes against you, his skin slapping gently on yours and hitting deep inside. You try biting your bottom lip, wanting to hold back anything that could sound like a moan of pleasure, something that was quickly evolving from the pain of his girth. Kylo won't' have that though, shifting so he can slip two fingers into your mouth running the pads against your wet tongue, forcing you to moan openly and into his own mouth. 

You let loose more tears, mascara running into your hairline and Kylo reaches forward with his tongue to lap and lick at your salty trails of confusion. He tastes you and his hips stutter for a moment as he says "Fuck" under his breath in a hoarse moan. He fondles your tongue more rubbing his face roughly against yours as he thrusts into you harder seeming to become harder even still. 

"Please please Ky please please Kylo Ky ple-" you beg him without knowing what you were begging for. He moans against your temple, strained as his hips snap forward into you without stopping. He slips his finger from your mouth to reach down between you two, spreading your lips above where he was thrusting into you, pads of his fingers catching on your clit. Your hips buck into his touch seeking more friction that would let you escape from your reality. Kylo rubs you viscously in sporadic time with his fucking you. 

As you both moan, filling the room with the sound of wet fucking and gasps Kylo looks down into your teary eyes, heavy and red. He looks at you silently begging him to be done and never stop and he sees the pain across your face. He curses again hips snapping in time to him huffing " Fuck fuck Y/N fuck fuckfuckfuck-" until you're moaning wantonly as your body tenses and shivers, filling you with an overwhelming euphoria. You can't hold back your voice as you callback to Kylo's cursing as he thrusts a few final times before pushing into you as deep as he is able, his cock twitching inside you as he cums. 

You both lay there, shivering in sweat and trying to catch your breath from the emotional marathon you had just run. You continue holding onto Kylo, arms wrapped around him, afraid of what would happen if you were to let go. 

Kylo grunts and leans back, holding the back of your knees again, spreading your legs as far as they will fall, and looks down as he begins pulling his softening dick from you. He watches intently, mouth slack in awe as he pulls out, watching his own cum mixed with yours drip from your hole, clenching around nothing.

You freely as Kylo cleans the both of you up with a warm cloth and tugs your panties back to their home.   
He picks you up, cradling you against his chest and lays with you on the couch, wrapped in a blanket until you fall asleep, welcoming the feeling as exhaustion pulls you down with its teeth.


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it has been so long! I'm really trying to continue this story so here is a short chapter to tide you over until I finish writing the next one. As always I really appreciate everyone's kind words and support! if you have any requests or ideas for this story or another feel free to comment or message me :^) Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Softly and insistently, a throbbing from deep behind your eyeballs begins to grow. It thrums against your skull and becomes more insistent with every second you become more aware of it. You lay still, content to stay in the dark, and hope the headache will relieve itself. But it doesn't. of course, it doesn't. You try rousing your mind to wake up to get the fires stoked in your joints. You become aware of your body, warm and cocooned but aching and exhausted. Why are you so exhausted? Why did your joints ache?

Your eyes open groggily to take inventory of your surroundings. You were laying down on a soft couch, in the crook of the L with your head against the armrest, covered in a large knit blanket. Looking around you see the other large L couch you knew was next to this one and the TV that sat in front of both couches in the Solo's living room.

You had fallen asleep. More accurately you had passed out after Kylo-

"Here."

Your eyes snap up to meet the large hand with a clear glass of water in it.

"Drink it."

You take the glass and sit up, leaning against the armrest where your face had been. You sip at the cup of water slowly, not trusting your stomach to not empty whatever contents were stored there from breakfast. You stare through the glass, focusing on the patterns of your hands gripping the cup through water that made them curl and wave. It just made you more nauseous.

You sit in silence for what feels like an eternity. You don't want to look up to find out if Kylo was still there, watching to make sure you followed his command that you drink the water he had given you. But you knew he was still there. You knew he would be making sure you did. You knew.

You sipped slowly until the glass was empty, sat the glass on the floor in front of the couch, and without looking at Kylo you laid back down, turning over into the back of the couch, pressing your face into it to smell the old worn fabric. You laid there nervously and waiting, ears pricked for what Kylo might do next. You tensed as you heard him walk towards you, bare feet over the hardwood floors, and stop in front of the couch to reach down and pick up the glass. He bends down over you and runs a finger over your cheek, brushing a curl off your face before turning and walking away, back to the kitchen to return the glass. You hear him open and close the sliding door to the backyard and a moment later a large weight jumps onto you, sniffing and huffing. 

You open your eyes to the shaggy and bulking form of Chewy, the Solo family dog. His tail wagged as the mutt sniffed around your head and hands and you smiled softly as he walked around you to the long bed of the couch to lay down next to you, burying his muzzle into your side. You turn back to him and throw an arm over his body, pulling his warmth closer to you and close your eyes again, drifting off to the sound of the old dog's snoring.

________

BANG

"Y/N?"

You startle awake to the sound of the front door slamming shut, Chewy getting up excitedly and stepping on you as he runs off the couch to the Solos that had returned home. You sit up slowly, stretching your arms and reawakening the ache in your lower back. You scowl at the far wall while you remember everything that had happened. What were you supposed to do now? How we're supposed to act in front of Kylo? What happened-

Your thoughts are interrupted by Matt rounding the corner calling "Y/N?", but stopping in in his tracks as he sees you scowling at him, disheveled from the tangle of blankets on the couch.

With wide innocent eyes, Matt begins in a flurry, "Y/N I'm so sorry! We were driving home from town and there was an accident on the bridge! It was so backed up and traffic was completely stopped, three-car pile-up, you know dad just had to help since we were there and-"

You press one palm against your forehead and close your eyes against the noise, against Matts radiating brightness.  
"Matty please my head… Matty…"

"Thank god nobody was hurt and there were really only some scrapes, more damage to the cars really-"

"Matty it's ok I-"

"We dropped dad off at the station so he could go back and help out-"

"MATT. Shut up."

Your eyes snapped open to see Kylo who had just walked in from the kitchen, another glass of water in hand. He had told Matt to shut up, which had incredibly worked, but he was looking at you from under his scowl, eyes dark but not as dark as before. Did you imagine that? 

"Y/N has a migraine can't you tell she doesn’t want to listen to your rambling?" Kylo says as he continues to hold your gaze while stepping toward you, handing you the glass of water again. You take it with a nod, hands shaking only slightly. Why couldn't you look away from him?

Matt looked between the two of you staring at each other with a puzzled look on his face, before walking to the couch you were sitting on and pushing himself in front of Kylo and sitting on the couch next to you.   
"I'm sorry Y/N I didn't realize are you ok?" Matt asks as he leans towards you so you were forced to look at him, his face obstructing Kylo from your vision. Matt had his eyebrows raised in concern and one was suspended reaching towards you hesitantly. You suddenly had the idea that you didn't want Matty to touch you. That if he did touch you there would be a problem. That Kylo would have a problem with it.

You give Matt a small tight smile and nod, bringing the glass to your face and chugging the half-full glass until the water is gone, an excuse to not look at either of them. The twins wait in silence and when you finish the water, they look at you expectantly. Why do I feel like I'm making some kind of choice right now? You wonder to yourself.

You get up from the couch detangling the blankets and leaving Matt's side to walk to Kylo. Stopping in front of him you hand him the glass without looking up at him. "Thanks," you say in more than a whisper.

With a little more forced energy you turn back to meet Matt's eyes, "Let's go, Matty, we can still catch the last showing of that movie." you say brightly. Matt shakes himself out of his daze and puts on a smile, "Yeah," He says, "Let's do it."

Kylo's eyes grow darker and his brow furrows more if possible, his grip a little tight on the water glass. You hadn’t been imagining it. His eyes were black now, with that same hatred he always looked at you with. How could he possibly had said he loves you when he looks at you with such contempt.

You pick up your purse and walk away from the living room and away from Kylo, walking towards the front door with Matt just behind you. You decided you needed some sunshine and fresh air, despite it being dark outside already. You decided you needed some Matt. Going to the movies would be good. It would give you time to think about what had happened earlier.

You didn't want to look back into the living room as you left. You knew if you looked back you would see Kylo standing where he had been, glass in hand staring after you and Matt walking away, grinding his teeth.


	6. Chapter 6

Months had passed since your first date with Matt. It had gone fine you think since you didn't have any other dating experience to compare it to so you were content to keep going on dates. Matt would take you to all the underground art films he could find in your city, and you enjoyed talking about the themes and cinematography with him as he was so enthusiastic. He would pick up early on Sundays and the two of you would spend hours at any small café, reading and studying until you couldn't drink any more coffee or eat any more scones. Being with Matt was good and you enjoyed your time with him. He was your best friend and nothing had really changed other than the dates. You still spent time with Matt and Ben together and still hung out with your friends from school on occasion. Your grades were skyrocketing with Matt's eager tutoring and your parents were happy with the 'development' so they said.

"If it was anyone other than one of the Solo boys I would be beating them back with a stick!" your dad said, only joking a little bit. Your mom laughed and added, "But aren't we lucky it's Matt and not the others? At least Matt is going to college."

"it's just hanging out, it’s nothing serious. Same as before!" you insisted any time they brought up the subject of you and Matt. "just some dates, no big deal." you told yourself it was true but you think you understood what Matt was thinking. You may be naïve but you weren't dumb. You knew Matt had stronger feelings for you than just being best friends. You loved Matt, but you didn't know if you liked him. Like, like-liked him. You tried to not think too deeply about it and just enjoy your time together.

Today you and Matt were at the library café, drinking coffee and studying for midterms. Matt had been staring you down across the little table that was littered with books, practice test pages, and empty cups of joe. "What Matty," you say, not looking up from your textbook. Matt had always done this. Always scouting for the best opportunity to say what he wanted when something was on his mind. He was trying to calculate how you would react.

Matt took a deep breath and picked up his coffee, took a drink, paused, looked up at you, back to his coffee, and then took another drink. You rolled your eyes with a small smile. "out with it." you ordered him.

"I'm graduating early Y/N. I'm graduating at the end of this semester, next month." He said, looking at you over his glasses.

"Oh," you say, "I guess I should have realized since you're taking so many extra classes. That’s great Matty!" You say with a smile, "You've been working really hard!"

Matt blushes a little and grins, flustered by your praise. He reaches into his bag and pulls out an envelope, handing it to you. You flip it over in your hands and open the heavy embossed paper inside. "I got accepted for early enrollment in DC, and I'm leaving right after graduating."

Your eyes are wide and you bubble with excitement at Matt's words. You squeal and jump up, running around the table to give Matt a big hug around his head and knock his glasses askew. "You did it! You got accepted! You did it!"

When someone says, ''SHH!" you look at each other and decide you had overstayed your welcome in the quiet café, so you paid for the coffees as Matt got your things together and you walked across the lawn to the bus stop. The ride home is spent talking about college and DC, asking Matt about his majors and minors and if he'll have a dorm to stay in.

The bus finally reaches your stop and the two of you hop off the bus, thanking the driver. The bus stop was just around the corner to your street and in less than a minute the two of you are standing in front of the walkway to your house. You turn to Matt and smile, "Thanks for the date, I'm so happy for you, getting into college Matty."

"Y/N," Matt adjusts his large glasses and continues, "I know that DC is far and that I'll be really busy but… I want to stay together with you Y/N. I can't visit often and I'll be studying like crazy so I don't know when I'll get to call you or anything, but I'll text you as much as I can-" He looked flustered and his face was red from his non-stop talking and you could tell there was a panic in his voice. The desperation that told you he was serious, he wanted to be together.

You knew what Matt thought of your relationship, and you were okay with how things were at the moment. You always kept Matt at arm's length, ever since Kylo had had his way with you. You didn't want to be touched or touch anyone else. Matt was respectful of your personal space but you knew he wanted more, what boy his age didn't. but you didn't want more. You didn't want to be serious or be in love. You just wanted your best friend to stay by your side and if the only way to have that was for you and Matt to continue 'dating' then you would do it. You didn't think you could handle losing Matt, the person you spent the most time with, and did everything together, your best friend since you were kids. You knew that Ben was always there for you but he was a socialite, too out there, and cool for you to run with his crowd.

"Y/N what are you thinking? I might have twin telepathy with Ben and Kylo but sadly that doesn't extend to you." He bends to the side a bit, making eye contact with you where you were staring off into the distance contemplating his words and their meaning. Contemplating your answer. You didn't want to hurt Matt.

"Yeah of course we can stay together Matty," You smile at him, hoping it looked more reassuring than you felt, "Don't worry I know you have a lot of studying and stuff! I don't mind texting and all."

Matt smiled a wide toothy smile and laughed in awkward relief, "That's great Y/N," He says, extending his arms out in a hug, but then catching himself and pulling his arms back in, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket and clearing his throat. Hugging wasn't your thing you had told Matt after he asked why you always tensed up. He probably found the change odd, after years of physical contact with you being friends, but he acquiesced and kept himself restrained.

The two of you say goodnight and you stay on your porch and watch Matt walk down the street until he reaches his porch, and you both go inside. You think about your situation but realize nothing will change. You might not see Matt as much, but at least you don't have to worry about things getting any more serious with him while he's away at school.

___

The next month flies by in studying and tests and the end of the semester brings a bitter sadness as Matt completes his finals and graduates early. There is no ceremony or cap and gown since he is the only senior graduating a semester early, but he has a meeting with his parents and the principal. They congratulate Matt on his achievements and wish him all the best in DC. That night the Solos have a party for Matt consisting of your two families and a raspberry white chocolate cake.

At the airport a few days later you stand in front of the roped-off security area with Leia, Han, and Ben saying goodbye to Matt. His plane left in a half-hour for DC and his new life at college. You smile brightly as Leia fusses over Matt making sure everything is packed as if they could do anything about now that he was here. "You sure you have everything, Matt? Toothbrush? Phone charger? You're car keys!"

"Mom I don’t have a car," Matt says, looking at me over the top of Leia's head and rolling his eyes in loving exasperation.

"Oh, right I forgot…" She saying trailing off and trying to remember everything else that he should have packed.

"Leave the kid alone he has to get through security. Matt, if you need anything or forgot anything just call and we'll get it to you." Han says as he wraps an arm around Leia, soothing her fussing. Matt gave his brother and parents one final hug before turning to you and looking awkwardly to the side. "Uhhh…" He says, but you step forward and hug him, wrapping your arms around him and pinning his arms to his sides. Your rule on hugging was mostly to prevent Matt from taking it any further, but as this was his last day in town and he was pressed for time, you figured a hug wouldn't hurt. He laughs in surprise but leans into the hug giving you a tight squeeze. You both move away with teary eyes and promises to call later and then he is off. You all wave to Matt as he goes through security and rounds the corner towards his terminal.

____

The rest of the school year goes by normally. More normal than things had been in years you felt. You continued to hit the books and study, but your grades dropped a letter after Matty had gone and wasn't able to help tutor you anymore. But you persevered and passed freshman year with all A's, plus or minus aside. You were proud and excited ready to relax for the summer.

Ben and Kylo graduated and your family attended graduation along with Han and Leia, and Matt who had come home for the day to celebrate with everyone. When you all meet outside in the courtyard, you all pose for a picture with Ben and Kylo in their cap and gowns. You stand in front giving the camera a cheesy grin and a peace sign. Ben stands right behind you, sticking his tongue out and ruffling your hair with one hand as his other is draped around Kylo, pulling him closer into the group. Kylo takes off his cap and looks at the camera with a severe look as if he could break it with will power alone. Matt stands to your other side close to you and smiles happily into the camera, one hand in his jacket pocket and the other on the small of your back, hovering but not touching.

That night you celebrate the ending of the school year and the boys' graduation, playing cards and eating pizza at the Solo house. The parents talk and your mom and Leia sniffle as they remember when you were all so little. Soon seven om turns into eight turns into eleven at night and you decide you are about to fall asleep. You get up from the last game of slapjack and then let everyone know it was your bedtime and you were heading back to the house.

Matt offers to walk you home since your parents had decided to stay and chat with Han and Leia and a new bottle of wine was opened. You say goodnight to the group and shrug your jacket on as Matt holds the door open for you. The two of you walk in a happy silence and you reach out to hold Matt's hand much to his surprise. You realized after he was gone how much you missed Matt and how much you wanted him to be close, especially since it was his last night in town before returning to his summer schooling in DC. Matt grins and squeezes your hand a little and you both swing your arms like you did when you were kids walking in a chain with Ben on your other side. You giggled as you reached the door, opening it with your key and letting Matt come in as well.

In the entrance hall, you kick off your shoes and sluff off your jacket, letting them fall wherever as you were too tired to care. You turn back to Matt who is still standing next to the front door, and you walk to him, wrapping your arms around his torso, head against his chest. He again is surprised at your contact but is happy to oblige you as he wraps his arms around your back and leans into you. After a moment you begin to pull away, intending to tell Matt goodnight and all but he stops you from moving back too far, wrapping one arm around the small of your back as his other hand comes up to your chin. He doesn't hold you hard but being so much smaller you couldn't very easily turn away from his grasp as his face dipped down to where he was tilting yours up.

Matt did not hesitate and began to kiss you, soft lips firm against yours. Your mind finally catches up to the situation and you grasp at the front of Matts shirt, in what he takes as an urging to move forward, to continue kissing you so he does. Matt deepens the kiss slowly turns your bodies, pressing your back into the front door and licking your lips. Your body stiffens and goes cold as you feel Matt sliding his hands up and down your sides, lightly brushing over your butt and chest. With all your strength you grab at Matts shirt and push him back and away from you breaking the kiss. Tears immediately spring into your eyes and your face is red hot. You push at Matt again, furious with him. "How could you Matty," you say in a small voice.

"Y/N I'm sorry! I thought… I thought that’s what you were wanting, I thought maybe you were ready." Matt says, lips swollen and hands held up in defense again your angry gaze. You weren't angry though, you were just hurt, you felt betrayed by Matt. He knew. He knew you didn't want that.

"Matty I don’t want that. I missed you and I wanted a hug, but I can't- we can't do that. I'm not ready for those kinds of things Matty. I thought you understood that…" You wrap your arms around yourself and look away unable to look at Matt directly. "I think you should go home now, I can call you later tomorrow." You say with no room for argument even with a soft tone. You sidestep the door and let Matt pass you. He pauses halfway out the door and turns back to you and opens his mouth as if he wants to say something but the words refuse to come out. He instead nods in goodbye and closes the door with a click.

In a daze you walk to the staircase and up the stairs, walking slowly and not bothering to turn on any lights, stumbling in the dark until you reach your room and flop into bed. You have only the energy to push off your jeans and socks and decide you are content with sleeping in the long sleeve knit shirt you were already wearing. You don't want to think about what just happened. You want to sleep and sleep for a long time and not think. You force yourself to count sheep and laugh at yourself for doing it as you begin to doze off, slipping into an empty dark sleep.

*tink*

*tink tink*

Groaning you reach for your phone to check the time but wince when the bright white light of the screen burns your eyes. You hadn't even been asleep for an hour until-

*thunk*

Ok, what was that!? Furiously you flip open the covers and stamp over to the large bay window in your room where you can see someone standing below throwing pebbles from the garden at your window. You unlatch the lock and swing the window panes outwards, letting the warm summer breeze in. you shiver just a little at the air since you are in no more than your underwear and long sleeve. You crouch just low enough that Kylo can't see you aren't wearing pants. "What." you grind out, not happy to have been woken up.

"Stand back." Kylo order, and before you can ask him 'what' again, Kylo takes a running jump to climb the iron trellis that lets ivy climb the side of the house next to your window. A moment later both of his hands are on the window sill and he is swinging his right leg over the side of the window and landing in your room. He glances over you noticing your lack of pants and narrows his eyes. "Were you expecting someone?" He asks.

You roll your eyes and reach down towards the end of the bed where your pajama shorts had been thrown this morning and pull them on. "No I wasn’t." you clip back, "Which is exactly why I didn't have any clothes on!" you weren't embarrassed for any of the triplets to see you in a shirt and underwear. You had grown up from young kids, taking baths together and swimming. They had seen you in less when you started to wear bikinis, not that there was much to see other than your flat chest and lanky, boney body, but for some reason the fact that it was your panties, and you were alone with Kylo - that made the difference. Neither of you had ever mentioned what had happened almost a year ago and you were grateful for that. It had been a one-time thing. It didn't happen. You put it out of your mind.

"Why are you here?" you ask Kylo, who was peering around your room with interest. You realized he hadn't been to your house let alone your room for a few years. Matt and Ben came in here all the time just as you went to their rooms, but Kylo hadn't seen it since you were younger. It was different for sure - no more bright blue and pink zebra prints. Instead, it was an iron bed frame with fluffy white linens and a simple wooden vanity desk. You had string lights that were always on and a few plants sitting around. Light, simple, and calming. The total opposite of the older boy standing in your room, dressing in all black. Worn black jeans, worn black converse, a hoodie you think he's had for his whole life but he must keep buying the same one as he grows. Kylo was dark, chaotic and made your hair stand on end.

"Matt didn't come home so Ben sent me to go find him. But I know where he is already so I thought I would come by here…" He trails off as he walks towards the polaroid's hanging above your bed on the wall. All the pictures were of you and Matt and Ben through the years. Hiking, biking, swimming at the waterfalls. You three did everything together just as you always had and you captured every happy little moment you could.

There were a few old ones next to the newest addition from his graduation he noticed, one from when you were just little kids having first met, you standing in the middle grinning a gap-filled smile eyes closed. Ben stood on tiptoes right behind you, giving you bunny ears and looking as always like the crazy monkey boy he was. To your right stood Kylo, even at such a young age his face was serious but was still full and round. He was looking through his curly locks to the camera and held tight to your right hand, pudgy fingers laced through your small ones. On your other side was Matt, who was also grinning towards the camera. In his right hand, he held your left, the two hands cupped together firmly, and his left hand waved to whoever stood behind the camera taking the picture. It was nearly identical to the one that was taken of them earlier.

The other was a picture from a camping trip a few years later when your families had rented a small cabin in the mountains next to a lake. One of the local attractions was a small ranch that offered a horse riding trail and you had begged the triplets to go with you. They gave in eventually and your parents took the four of you to the ranch the next day. The picture was of Kylo sitting atop a white horse with a few grey speckles and bright blue eyes. Her name was Aster and she had been the prettiest thing you had ever seen. Kylo was sitting as tall as he could on Aster, legs straddling her and hands gripping the leather reigns, and in front of him, in his lap and surrounded by his arms was you, crying. The picture was wholly embarrassing as you had been crying because you didn’t want to leave. Han had taken the picture while laughing at how funny I was for crying, asking if you could keep riding even though the trail tour was over. You were gripping Aster's white mane in one hand and wiping your other arm across your face, smearing your tears with your dirt-covered hand. In this picture Kylo wasn't looking at his dad behind the camera but was looking at you, head tilted towards you and mouth slightly open. 'Don't cry Y/N, we can come back tomorrow. If you stop crying I'll get you an ice-cream on the way home. Y/N don't cry.' Kylo had been saying to you in a hushed tone. It was the Kylo nobody ever saw anymore. The Kylo you missed the most, when he was kind and gentle, always your champion.

"You've always been such a crybaby," He says, looking away from the picture with eyes so deep you couldn't read them, couldn't tell what was going through his mind. "But some things never change. Ice cream still fixes all your problems right?" It was then you noticed he had brought up a plastic bag with him and you noticed it was from the Thriftway up the street. He hands the bag to you and you peer inside seeing two pints of ice-cream and some plastic spoons. As weird as the situation was you couldn’t turn down ice-cream. You jumped happily onto your bed, waiting for him to open the bag and give you your favorite thing in the world. "Rocky road or caramel crunch?" He says, showing you the two labels like vintage wines. You bite your lip trying to decide.

"Both it is then," he says with a chuckle you hadn't heard from Kylo in a long time. He kicks off his sneakers and sits next to you on the bed, leaning his back against the wall and letting his feet dangle off the side. You scoot back to the wall, wrapped in a blanket, and take a spoon and the caramel ice cream from him. You dig in eagerly and after he watches you take a couple of bites of the ice-cream you were holding, he offers a spoonful of the rocky road to you and you switch. The two of you sit together in silence eating your treat and enjoying each other's company for the first time in a while, falling back into the way things were when you were little. When you had been friends and he didn't hate you.

"I wish it was like this all the time Kylo," you say almost under your breath.

Kylo pauses eating his ice-cream and looks over to you. He takes a couple of seconds of thought then takes the dessert and spoon from your hands to place it on your nightstand. Kylo flips back towards you and in one fast motion, he grabs you around your waist and lifts you into his lap and sits you between his legs. He wraps both arms around you in a tight squeeze and buries his face in your unruly hair. You freeze in Kylo's arms wondering what had gotten into him tonight. You try twisting around to see him but the most you can do is turn your head to the side to ask, "Kylo? What are you-" and then he is kissing you.

He holds you tight and kisses your mouth softly but firmly, not letting you escape. He presses you back into his chest and sighs into your slightly parted mouth. Without opening his eyes he whispers against your jaw, "Please Y/N", and you shiver from the goosebumps that crawl across your skin from his low, soft voice. From the way, he said your name. something in you aches as you see glimpses of the old Kylo, the Kylo you missed so much and thought was gone forever. You lean towards him, returning his soft kisses. It wasn't like every other time he had kissed you. This was real and warm just how you imagined kissing would be.

The two of you stayed like this, exchanging gentle pecks and breathing in each other's air. Your head felt dizzy and light. You need air and as you go to pull away his hand starts moving from its place on your side, sliding down towards the top of your shorts. You stiffen but before you can say anything he presses his mouth to yours again, this time rougher and hungrier. This time his tongue finds his way past your teeth and licks into your mouth insistently, not letting you go. You feel his left arm tighten around your ribs just below your chest, holding you to his chest, and his right hand dips between the fabrics of your panties and shorts. Fire glides up and across your skin as he brushes his fingers down your covered slit and continues kissing you deeply. The lack of air from the making out makes your head even foggier combined with the heat he is drawing from you.

You whimper in the back of your throat as he draws back and slides his hand back down into your panties, touching your heat directly. You grasp onto his arms holding you tight and moan as he immediately dips his thick long middle finger directly into your center. He brings it back out and in again, setting a medium tempo from the start giving you no time to think. You breathe heavily as he slows down a bit and you open your eyes to meet his deep dark pools.  
"Kylo," Your voice breaks and you begin to try moving to protest this line of action but Kylo just moans mutedly into your neck as he pulls his hand out to shimmy down your shorts and panties together, pulling one leg through and letting them drop to the floor off your other foot.

Your face is bright red and now you open your mouth to protest, "Kylo stop what are you-" "Shhh Y/N just watch" He says in a husky voice, pushing your face with his chin so you face forward again and watch as he then begins pushing two fingers inside you. The stretch of his two large fingers burns a little and your breath hitches. You watch mesmerized as he again sets a steady pace of fingering you while keeping you pinned to him. His fingers move in and out of you, covered in sticky fluid, and your heart races at the sight of it. Overcome with the sensation you melt back into his chest, breathing hard as you keep your eyes downcast to his working fingers. Kylo lets out a rumbling growl as he feels you relax back into him, and takes up lavishing your neck and jaw, licking and nipping and sending more goosebumps up your arms.

Never before had you been so intoxicatingly dizzy and high strung in your life. This was nothing like the last time Kylo had touched you. This was nothing like that quick helpless fuck on the couch. This time Kylo was pleasuring you, sending deep heat through your body and mind. This time you couldn’t help but cant your hips upwards, as you let your legs fall open wider to the sides. You moan higher as Kylo grinds his hardness against your back through his jeans, and begins fingering you faster in time, licking your sweaty neck. 

You couldn't believe this was happening. You could not believe this was happening hours after you had just turned down Matt, telling him even a kiss from him was too much. Telling him to leave because you didn't want his touch. And now you were being finger fucked by his brother. By Kylo of all people. Someone who had done nothing but bully and torture you for years on end.

And now you were moaning openly and not trying to hide it as you begged Kylo for more more more. You didn't know what you wanted more of but god you wanted it. The squelching of your wetness being pounded by his brutal fingers was lewd and nauseating and you couldn't believe this was happening. Breathing heavy and moaning in your ear you continue watching as Kylo begins to alternate between fingering you and rubbing your wetness all over your swollen clit. Your breath becomes gasps and high pitches squeals as he rubs you fast and hard, his calloused fingers almost too rough for your softness. Your back arches, curving and letting your head fall back towards his shoulder where he catches your mouth in another open kiss. You couldn't think anymore and you were close to the breaking point under Kylo's touch.

Suddenly it was all too much for you to handle, the current situation too overwhelming. You cry into Kylo's mouth in a broken way begging for him, begging for release, and with a growl deep in his throat, he obliges your wish, putting just a little more pressure on you clit until your body explodes and convulses with your summiting orgasm. You shake like a leaf clinging to his arm as he doesn’t let up, continuing to pound his fingers into you, working you through your climax. He holds you fast to him, watching you shudder and twitch, eyes rolling and face splotched red. You begin to feel a sort of panic rising in your throat as he doesn't stop, doesn’t let up on rubbing his fingers against the nub growing hot with pain.

He doesn't stop until he sees tears starting to fall from your hazy eyes and in a broken voice you whisper, "Please Kylo please…K-Ky..Ky please.." and then he slows his fingers, rubbing softly in feather-light circles and slowly pushing his fingers in and out, going slower as you begin to come down. You surrender to him, limbs limp and jelly-like in his hold. You still cry, tears slowly falling one at a time. You ached so much. Ached from head to toe and your abused nethers were red a swollen, dripping wet.

Kylo turns your face back to his with one hand, the one he used to finger fuck you into oblivion, and kisses you so softly on your lips you wonder if you might have imagined it. And then he licks you from jaw to cheekbone, licking the salty tears off your face. You don’t protest or say or do anything. You can't be bothered now that you were spent, but Kylo does the thinking for you and picks you up, slips your panties back on leg by leg, and lays you back down in bed the correct way, tucking you under the fluffy duvet. He collects the spoons and ice cream, running downstairs to put them in the freezer and trash. You're grateful for his care but you can’t help but blurt out when he reenters your bedroom-

"Why do you always do that? Why do you always ruin something sweet by being so harsh?" you ask, gazing at him under heavy eyelids. "I want things to be how they were when we were kids Ky. I want us to work things out."

"There's nothing to work out." He says with finality as he shoves his feet back in his sneakers. The tone of his voice immediately breaks something inside you and you again let soft tears fall. He turns to you and leans over you, grabbing the side of your face and neck and pushing his lips to yours in a brutal kiss, teeth clashing together. His eyes are squeezed shut and he takes a deep breath before pulling away and getting up. He doesn't say anything as he climbs back out the windows the way he came in and you don't watch him go, instead choosing to huddle into your blankets and continue to cry yourself into an exhausted sleep.

____

The next day as you sit on the porch with your parents having breakfast, you look down the street to see Han and Ben packing Han's squad car with two duffle bags and a cooler. You knit your brows in confusion as Kylo locks the front door of the Solo house and walks down the steps to the car where Ben and Han had just got in. Kylo turns and makes eye contact with you for only a second, but his face becomes stuck in your mind. Kylo had shaved his shoulder-length raven locks to a grey outline of his hair. It was razor short and you saw his whole face uncovered, eyes black and set, still scowling as always. It was only a second but his eyes bore into yours and made your stomach twist in knots. And then he slammed the door and the Solo car drove off and out of the neighborhood.

You turn your head back to the table and stare at your food in disgust. You heard your parents as if through a long tunnel- "Looks like Kylo and Ben are off to training, good for them going into the police academy. They'll do great."

Kylo hadn’t said anything to you about going to police school with Ben. You had always known that was Ben's plan but you didn't expect Kylo to go to. You didn't expect all three triplets would leave you, leave home. But now you were alone. "Excuse me I have homework," you say and leave the table abruptly. You spent fifteen long minutes brushing your teeth until they bleed and crying into the sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapter updates within days!? I have the rest of the story planned out in good detail so I hope that will make it easier to give you all good full chapters of messed up Kylo content before this story ends. Trust me it will get even darker.   
> I do want to explicitly state that I do not support cops and try not to paint them in a 'heroic' light. In this story, I will be using elements of police work but as a tool for the bad characters to have power over other characters. I am also not trying to fetishize cops in any way. I am again using it as a story foil for our characters.  
> I hope you all continue reading and enjoy this new chapter.  
> As always comments, request suggestions, and constructive criticism are welcome! Please let me know how you like it :^)


End file.
